I'm tired right now. I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of being a nice person and then being made to feel like shit for it afterwards. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of feeling marginalized. I'm tired of doing nice things for others and not seeing any reciprocation. In fact, I'm tired of not even seeing any gratitude. I'm tired of being too trusting and trying to look for the good in people. I'm tired of having to be an asshole to make up for the fact that I was too nice in the first place. How does that even happen?! I'm tired of having to become more calloused just to survive in this world. I'm tired of living in a society that seems to value rudeness over kindness, that glorifies people who treat others like shit, that creates such mistrust in others. I'm tired of reading about another public shooting every week. I'm tired of people posting stories about others doing nice things instead of getting out there and doing the nice things themselves. I'm tired of people complaining about the lack of kindness and civility in the world and not doing anything to be better at it themselves. (Yes, I realize the irony in that last statement.) I'm tired of wondering how bad things have to get before they get better. I'm just really tired.
Today was a roller coaster of emotions for me. In fact, this year has been a roller coaster for me. And, frankly, I don't think I've handled it all that well. Now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of wondering who my friends are. I'm tired of feeling like people are only friends with me when they want something. I'm tired of feeling forgotten. I'm tired of putting in effort with people and not seeing the same effort returned. And I'll be honest, the past few months I've been a shitty friend, mostly because I'm tired. But no one seems to care. No one has called me out on it. No one has reached out to me to see what's going on. It's kind of felt like I don't really matter to anyone. (I should qualify this by saying this doesn't apply to everyone and I hope those who are exempt know who you are.) But I don't know why all of this is coming out now or why I felt the need to write it down and share it. I guess I felt that if I didn't it would continue to stew inside of me and get worse. Not to mention today was just a roller coaster of emotions. Have I mentioned that yet?
I've had to deal with an uncomfortable situation as a result of my being too trusting. At the same time I heard from a lot of people today that I don't normally hear from, mostly as a result of a fluky chain of events that I started. I don't know how to feel about any of it. Even the nice things I've heard from people today have made me feel like shit. And not because I don't believe them, but because I wonder if they were only said as a result of something I said or did and not because they actually mean them. Then I feel even shittier for thinking that! I want to believe that my friends value my friendship and that they believe I'm a good person. And I want them to know that I think the same thing. I try to randomly do nice things or send random messages to my friends just to brighten their day and let them know that I'm thinking about them. I don't get around to everybody, I'll admit that, but I try. I don't see the same attempts from others. I even had a birthday come and go a few weeks ago which most of my friends and family forgot. I can understand if a few people forget, after all people do get busy. But this was the majority of people I know and it hurt a little. I'm probably partially to blame because I don't make a big deal or draw attention to my birthday, but that doesn't mean I want people to ignore me on my birthday. I'm not saying I want a big shindig every year (although every few years would be nice), but at least a text message would be nice. Hell, even a text message not on my birthday every now and then would be nice. As I'm writing this I'm realizing this bothered me a lot more than I thought.
So now I have a challenge for anyone reading this. Focus on doing something nice for people on a more regular basis. Try saying something nice to someone without being provoked by something they say or do. Show gratitude regularly. And don't just do all these things in the next day just because I'm asking you to. Keep doing them six months from now when no one is asking you to. Do these things because you want to. Do these things not because they make you feel good, but because they make others feel good. You never know how much a random hello might mean to someone. Start showing the people in your life that you care about them instead of just telling them. Let's start being the niceness that we want to see in others. Thank you to those of you who got past the rantiness and down to the end. I appreciate your loyalty. Now maybe I can get some sleep tonight.
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